My pen is the barrell of the gun

Did you ever feel bad around someone when they have never done anything bad to you at all? Been feeling like that lately. Problem is i dont know if i am unloading my frustrations on this situation or if its just a bad feeling around this person, but its becoming more and more unbearable. And she will still be around me cause we work together so i really need to find a way to make this work. Actually i need to find a way to make a lot of things work lately.

Somedays are harder than others. And today was not a very good one.

Watching youtube live right now. It's cool and all to watch everything live but i expected something better. Best part was Sick Puppies even though Emma didnt play. And also the kids with the cups.

Anyone watching? What did you think of it?

By the way i cant really bring myself to like Katy Perry songs AT ALL, but gotta admit shes got a pretty awesome voice.

 

 

I am on vacation. Nothing better than not having time to wake up or go to sleep. The only thing missing is the sun. I hate cold and rainy days lately.

Saw two very cool movies these days: Into the Wild and Fast Food Nation.

The first one makes me think about life too much (but in a good way). Its such an amazing movie. The story is awesome. And the movie is so well directed by Sean Penn and the cast is so great.

The other one made me question the whole "to eat or to do not eat meat" issue for a while. A short while. Sorry but i dont think i can live without it. Or without fast food for what its worth.

Now back to doing nothing.

And i am pretty drunk right now. Isnt this great?

Cant stop thinking about this.... about how happy i feel. but also about how scared i am to let it show. strange. just holding back my own feelings. i dont think ive been to good at showing anyway but it seems this time im holding it back even more.

i have the one thing ive been wanting for a while now. and it feels so good. and i feel like im a bit different too but in a good way. more patient. taking things slowly. letting it happen.

truth is.... i think i dont let it show because i am way too scared that if i do, and somehow this gets taken away from me (another big frightening issue at this moment), ill suffer too much. and thats just wrong. i should really just SIT BACK AND RELAX and enjoy all of this. thats what my head says. i nedd someone to explain it to my heart. yes it does sound maybe a little more dramatic than it is. but i always make such a big deal out of small things... can someone help me change that?

I erased one of my pictures from here today. Never done that before. But i felt like it wasnt really important anymore. Just something and someone that passed through my life. More and more i think of something ive heard more than once... that some people are not meant to stay in our lives, they are just a part of it for a certain reason that is somehow important to us. I think i hold on to the past too much. Sad to think that some of my friends seem to fit in this category. Maybe i just shouldnt be trying so hard to make them stay if they are destined to go. I should just let them. Whatever purpose they might have in this life of mine, will remain with me.

I always say that i keep pictures to remind myself of people and situations because my memory is so lame. Its true. But in this case strangely i dont feel like i need to be reminded anymore. Ill keep in my heart and in my mind anything good that came from it.

And yes i have missed this nonsense part of me rambling in this journal hehhe...

 

I think like that sometimes. That i HAVE TO love someone. Maybe im just too scared to walk around empty hearted.

New situations. Situations i dont think ive ever experienced before. Once again i am a bit surprised with my reactions. I thought i was gonna freak out but i didnt. I was never good at dealing with guys ive dated. Like being friends. Now im figuring out it can actually be good in some cases.

Last week i had some pretty bad days. Days when i was feeling ugly and lonely. However my heads been quite calm these past few days. Maybe im beginning to figure myself out. Or maybe im just letting it go and not thinking too much about things at all.

What really matters now is that i am doing things i love doing. Playing my bass. Singing. And trying to get used to staying home on weekends again. Not so hard. I realize ive been keeping myself more and more away from some of my best friends. And yes im doing this on purpose. Its just something i needed. It will all get back to normal when the time is right.

Of course i still feel lonely and empty sometimes. Who doesnt?

Just fill in the blanks. And try not to remember that.

 

The strangest weekend is almost over. Why strange? Cause i felt shitty during most of it. There were a couple of great moments but for the most part i was sad. I feel better now thought. Came to a few conclusions regarding what to do next.

Do you know when you find yourself, and you find the ones like you and everything seems to fit so perfectly in your life? Happened to me a while ago. And its one of the best feelings to realize you finally found out what you really are and to know that there are others like you who will keep you company.

But lately theres been a change in that. Not in me. But in them. And its no ones fault. But i cant help feeling upset about it.

Think i need to (re)learn to keep my expectations a little low.

This week i feel great. Yet i miss talking to YOU.

I wish I could tell you
But the words would come out wrong
Oh if you only knew
The way I felt for so long
I know that we're worlds apart
But I just don't seem to care
These feelings in my heart
Only with you I want to share

The first time I caught a glimpse of you
Then my thoughts were only of you

I hope that when time goes by
You will think the same about me
Many nights awake I lie
I only wish that you could see
I know that we're only friends
I hope this feeling never ends
If I could only hold you
It's the only thing I want to do.

The first time I caught a glimpse of you
Then my thoughts were only of you

Only of You - Green Day

Not exactly a good day today. PMS + final vacation days + random thoughts buzzing my head.

What i would really like right now is to be that kinda person that simply enjoy the moments in life. And doesnt worry about the afterwards. How hard is that? For me? VERY HARD. No ideia how much. This is definitely something i need to change in me. Considering the changes ive been through lately, maybe this will work out too. Or so i hope. Have already spent way too much of my life thinking and worrying about the future of my days.

Watching mtv hits the other day and came across a band called Silversun Pickups for the first time. Now their cd is something i have to listen to everyday.

However the lyric that has been pretty much saying a lot about the moment i am living right now is Of All the Gin Joints in All the World from fob. Already one of my favorite songs of the band, and now more than ever.

Good moments ask for a good soundtrack.

 

 

... and because sometimes people just let you down.

... and because sometimes you have to take chances and there is a risk involved that it might not work out.

... and because it is not easy at all but you just move on and you will get over it eventually.

Listening to some old stuff came accross a lyric i love and havent heard this song in like forever.... Ok so i do have a thing for depressing lyrics so what?

LONG GONE DAY

So much blood I'm starting to drown
Runs from cold to colder
Time to time the sky's come down
To help me lose my way
Tears and lies for answers
You and open veins, God knows I'm gone
Girl I just want you to
Come on down
Lord it's a storm and I'm heading to fall
These sins are mine and I've done wrong, oh babe
Come on down

Long Gone Day
Mmmm, who ever said
We wash away with the rain

See you all from time to time
Isn't it so strange
How far away we all are now
Am I the only one who remembers that summer
Oh, I remember
Everyday each time the place was saved
The music that we made
The wind has carried all of that away

Long gone day
Mmmm, who ever said
We wash away with the rain

So many tears I'm starting to drown
The rain in heaven's all come down
Silver spoons affix the crown
The luckless ones are broken
Fears and lies for answers
You and open flames
God knows I'm gone
And I just want you to
Come on down, hmmm

Lord it's a storm and I'm heading to fall
These sins are mine and I've done wrong
I want you to, oh, I just want you to
Come on down

I fear again, like then, I've lost my way
And shout to God to bring my sunny day

 

Less than two weeks for my vacation!!! I couldnt be more anxious about it, i am so tired. Need a break. Need more time to enjoy myself!

Having quite mixed feelings about some things. But its good. There have been moments when i think my life will take some different turns. Soon. not sure how to explain it or make people understand but dont really care either. Just let ME figure it out first.

Too cold these days. Too damn hard to get out of bed so early.

 

Did not get up in the best mood at all. And some news just bummed me out pretty badly and are making my morning ever worse.

Frank Iero is leaving MCR.

Ryan Gossling and Rachel McAddams apparently are not together anymore.

Life sucks.

People bore me. Lately there have been very few people or situations that have caught my attention. And when they do, it is like they fade away after a while.

Some of my friends are tiring me again. And they don’t do anything wrong. At all. Don’t really know why I go through this every now and then. Promise this is no pms. Maybe there is something wrong with me huh?

I am trying to be a better person. Something tells me I am achieving my goal. But insecurity still rules in me.

 

Quietdrive - Rise From The Ashes

I will now rise from the ashes
Don't call me pretentious
I'm sitting here making my own rules
And if I fall from the ceiling
You'll be down there waiting
And my only hope
Is falling down

I felt this way before
I fell right through the floor
And I am certain I've become
Broken, bruised, and numb
Would you restate your opinion
And hold back your investigation
Do you see the sins you're making
Cause I've made them all before

I will now rise from the ashes
Don't call me pretentious
I'm sitting here making my own rules
And if I fall from the ceiling
You'll be down there waiting
And my only hope
Is falling down

And by my own admission
You'll find that my condition
Is worse than you imagined
You're better off if you know
But every time before that I
Tried to measure pain inside
You can't ignore it
Right now I can't ignore it

I will now rise from the ashes
Don't call me pretentious
I'm sitting here making my own rules
And if I fall from the ceiling
You'll be down there waiting
To finish me

Inside of me
I'll take my heart
And rip my feelings out
Before they make me doubt
And I'll fall down with flames burning
Alive again
As long as you know that

I will now rise from the ashes
Don't call me pretentious
I'm sitting here making my own rules
And if I fall from the ceiling
You'll be down there waiting
To finish me

 

 

I really do think sometimes i let people get to me way more than they should. Or that i should. Back to the old dilemma of whether or not i am the one letting it get to this the point.

Got a pretty bad flu this weekend. Was feeling better on sunday but in a terrible mood. Wanted to do something, go out, meet friends, whatever, but at the same time didnt want to do a damn thing at all. Something made me cry and it wasnt supposed to. I felt stupid.

This week has everything to be better. Lets just hope it really does.

Easter is coming. Lots of chocolate to drown myself into.

 

Where i wish i was right now: on a beach, in the dark of night, smoking a cigarette, Brand New on my mp3 player.

I hate being patronized.

Yep i am already thinking about this. And I don’t plan to do anything other than that.

 

Get a haircut

Read my book and my magazine

Chocolate shopping for easter

Spend more time with my mom

Eat less junk food

Listen to a lot of music.

Just taking some time off for myself.

 

"My shadow's the only one that walks beside me

My shallow heart is the only thing that's beating

Sometimes i wish someone out there will find me

'Til then i walk alone."

 

Ive come to a conclusion a little bit late in life. People will ALWAYS disappoint you eventualy.